he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
