now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
