Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
