I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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