fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
