a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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