she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize