I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
