I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
