i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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