my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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