Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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