I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
