I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
