I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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