The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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