it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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