I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
