i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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