Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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