I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
