I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
40s are totally the cure
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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