I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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