if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
