You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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