Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
