Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
