Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
