I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize