I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
