I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
