I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
