Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
