I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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