every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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