I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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