My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
