i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
