if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
