i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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