Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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