How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
