cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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