So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
