Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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