I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
