Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
