clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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