I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My ATM looks so different sober.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
