Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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