The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
