good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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