I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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