drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
