I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
