yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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