The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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