Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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